I seem to go through these phases in life - ones in which I look back at the past few years, decide I wasn't living how I wanted to, and jump into change-everything-for-the-better mode. But this time seems different and I hope that's because it is. A little less than a year ago I moved from Minnesota to Montana which was a HUGE deal for me. I've lived in Minnesota my entire life, with the exception of the 3-month travel abroad stint I had in Alicante, Spain (which I LOVED). For some reason, though, moving to Montana was different. Maybe it's because this time, I was moving. It wasn't a vacation of sorts, it was a pack-everything-I-own-into-my-Sentra move. A move-to-a-place-where-I-know-nobody move. And it wasn't this fun, exciting, foreign place... it was "just" Montana and involved graduate school, another thing I wasn't looking forward to. Well, it was difficult, but I made it through both semesters and I can officially say I've completed my first year of grad school. Looking back on it is crazy. I made one of the best friends I've had here who inspired me all along the way, in many ways. But the were still actions I was taking that I wasn't happy with. I wasn't appreciating things how I should have been... but things were still good because I was surrounding myself with people that I loved. I was hardly ever alone - I had my roommate, Kate, whenever I was at home. And if I wasn't at home, I was either at the office with some fabulous coworkers, hanging out with Char (the inspirational best friend), or spending time with Simon (the foreign boyfriend who got me to expand my mind further and see things from different perspectives... as well as try new foods). Life was splendid, for the most part. But then, all too soon (and in the same week), Kate and Char graduated and moved back to Illinois and Minnesota, respectively, and Simon headed back to Norway for the summer. The three people in Missoula that I held closest to me all disappeared.
The weather wasn't helping when it decided to match my mood and put Missoula in a 2-week drizzling/downpouring/never getting above 55 degrees rut. I starting hating Missoula. I had never wanted to be back home with friends and family so badly. Being stuck indoors without anyone to turn to gives you a lot of time to think about your life. So I did just that. I thought about how I'd changed, how I'd grown, and how I'd "let myself go," too. Don't get my wrong, it's not like I stopped taking care of myself completely, gained 40 pounds and never got off the couch. I was still a busy girl, my body didn't undergo some morbid transformation. No. However, I had let my heart go.
I'm usually not a preachy person... but I'm about to be, so if you aren't into that, you can either close out of this blog, skip it, or go along and see what I have to say, anyway. I wasn't necessarily the most devoted Christian growing up, but I attended church once in a while, went on Mission trips, and even served as a "Lifeguide," helping with the weekly Bible classes held for middle schoolers. I went to a Lutheran college and went to the church service once every few weeks. I still volunteered some and was doing alright. But eventually I stopped going to church. Then, I eventually realized that I stopped praying, other than the "Please, God, let me finish this paper in time" which frankly isn't praying at all. I wasn't even stopping to appreciate the blessings that I was being given. And it took me until I was physically alone to realize that I'm not as happy as I could be because I let myself become "alone" spiritually. I use quotations because I know that I will never actually BE alone. Christ will always be with me (which I have been reminded of by my dear friend, Jess). But I had allowed myself to turn my back. So stemming from this "ah-ha!" moment came the decision to change my life. It wasn't an easy decision and it sure isn't an easy process, but it is one that I'm trying hard to stick with. So, you are all welcome to stick with me through this, follow my blog, and lend your support.
One of the things that I decided to change was how I treated my body. I wasn't necessarily horrible to it before, but I wasn't treating it like the gift it was, either. For the past few weeks, I've been working out and trying to eat healthier. I started out with a jogging program where I would jog for 2 minutes and walk for 2 minutes (for a total of 20 minutes) with the intention of eventually adding to the jogging minutes and taking away from the walking minutes. Don't be fooled, people. Just because I'm small doesn't mean I'm in shape. This was incredibly difficult for me. I found myself completely out of breath after the 2 minutes of jogging and wanted to give up half way through the 20-minutes. At first, it seemed to get better really slowly, but I pushed myself in ways that I had never done before, always telling myself that I was given this body and I need to take care of it. With the combination of eating better (I still can't bring myself to say that I'm eating right. After all, I am still a graduate student with limited income and very little cooking skill), stretching, good old music, Body By Vi shake mix, and prayer, within about two weeks, I was able to jog over 2 miles without stopping or walking. My body was doing things it wasn't able to ever do before and I couldn't be more thankful for that.
Obviously, I don't just want to change (strengthen) my body with this whole process. I want to strengthen my heart and my relationship with God. I'm still looking for a church in Montana that I feel really comfortable at. It is a little difficult sometimes because there are issues that I definitely take a more liberal stance on... clearly different than a lot of churches. I don't really want a church that tells me to fear God. I want a church that speaks of His love and helps me to show that love to other people. So, if any Montanans are reading this and have some suggestions, PLEASE feel free to share!
For those of you who are maybe going through similar feelings of having let go of yourself (spiritually, mentally, and/or physically), hopefully you find solace in knowing you aren't alone... or better yet, motivation to make a change. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to realize what you really want. So I'm thankful I did.
[EDIT]
I found this less than a day after this post, and it completely fits. Divine moment :)
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